by Mani Prabhu

 

We strongly recommend that you play the song along as you read this..

You know what it’s like being in heaven and hell at the same time?

This!

This feeling of being caught in a tumultuous time-wrap.

It might have been a few months since you got to know the person responsible for all this mayhem. How do you describe it? One of those times when you meet someone and very soon, you believe you are in for something – it simply clicks – you are comfortable with them, like you have known them your whole life and you don’t have to pretend to be anything or anyone else.

You don’t go in, wanting something to happen. It just pans out. In the beginning, it seems just like another of those breezy friendships. And slowly, over innocuous coffee dates and incessant texts, this thing you might want to call ‘magical’ happens. You wake up one day and find that you are feeling something new.

And that’s it. You are gone.

Everything seems to have happened so suddenly. You cannot call it ‘love’. I mean, not yet.

But it feels amazing. And yet, so frustrating.

Everything gradually becomes about that special someone. The most trivial of things turn into a trigger for hundreds of lyrical thoughts – it’s like synaesthesia for anything connected to that one person – the one who is throwing your entire life into chaotic disarray. Smells, images, imaginary songs, misread words… the unexpected of things cause a gush of blood speeding to the head, creating a irresistible picture of the future.

Every single day you spend with them, you find something that excites you even more. The way they laugh, the way they smirk, the way they blink… that’s how you start getting mad. Every moment with them is like an adventure into their soul.

You start stealing glances. You begin to re-read their texts. You walk really slowly when you are with them. You instinctively search for them in a crowd. You start grinning for no reason. It’s scary, but crazily exciting. You feel like you are flying, and free falling, and happy, and lost… like your stomach is full of hot sand and your chest is full of butterflies.

Imagine packing your bags one fine day and going on a backpacking bike trip on a bike with them on an impulse. It’s like that. The adrenaline drips. So do the estrogens and the testosterone!

The road-trip ‘experience’ sums it up. You can’t stop smiling. A casual brush sends your heartbeat racing like the wind. The world seems to have never felt so warm and enticing. But then, it’s not all that simple.

It’s petrifying, and yet at a different level, strangely comforting in a way that you have something to look forward to.

As they say, all you want is open heart on an open road.

And so, the journey starts.

And as you tear ahead, splitting time and space, you know that there is something happening between the two, but you can’t bring yourself to admit it. That ecstatic period, when senses reign supreme but words get lost in the frenzy!

And suddenly, the most momentous thing in your life becomes something you have no control over.

Your chest runs the risk of exploding any moment. You are so excited about the other, but you’re both quite unsure about what to do with the feeling. If its love, why this nervousness in getting it out? In putting the sensory cognition to words?

Soon it becomes sort of a contest; on who beats the other in coming out clean. If only opening yourself was that easy! But that’s what makes the game worthwhile, making you feel like a burning snowflake.

பறக்கும் ராசாளியே ராசாளியே நில்லு
இங்கு நீ வேகமா நான் வேகமா சொல்லு!

Time, all of a sudden. seems to have frozen. And yet it soars like a falcon. One moment, its dawn and the next, it’s dusk; with no warning whatsoever. Appetite and weariness seem to disappear into thin air. You grow wings instead. You can see yourself flying. The kick is inexplicable.

கடிகாரம் பொய் சொல்லும் என்றே நான் கண்டேன்..
கிழக்கெல்லாம் மேற்கு ஆகிட கண்டேனே…
பறவை போல் ஆகினேன் போல்ஆகினேன் இன்று.
சிறகும் என் கைகளும் என் கைகளும் ஒன்று…

There are few words exchanged to start with. A sensual quietude lingers. And you start looking upon these intense silences to drive the point across. But then, they keep fading out, only serving to edge up the craze. Right now, it all feels like a dream.

மௌனம் பேசாமலே பேசாமலே செல்ல…
வாவி நீரில் கமலம் போல் ஆடி மெல்ல
கனவுகள் வருதே கண்ணின் வழியே
என் தோள் மீது நீ
குளிர் காய்கின்ற தீ!

You are soon lost in the awesomeness of the journey. You can see yourself caught between two contrasting alter-egos. On one hand, you crave for acknowledgment of this beautiful transformation – of what you have come to feel- of what you have become. But on the other hand, you realize you have a connection so spot on that you are afraid of losing it.

As all directions seem to open out in the day, you feel like screaming your feelings aloud. But nights become sort of a confusing entity. Are you ecstatic? Are you tense? Are you preoccupied with the future? Or are you just basking in the simple joys of togetherness? Well, you pretty well make up your mind.

எட்டு திசை முட்டும் எனை பகலினில்,
கொட்டும் பனி மட்டும் துணை இரவினில்,
நெட்டும் ஒரு பட்டு குரல் மனதினில்.. மடிவேனோ?

When you have the amazing breeze tearing up in front and that special someone with you on the bike, what better time to pour your heart out? But would a resolution bring greater joy than this? Think again. Isn’t this mystical plane of passion more alluring? Do you really want this waking daze – the painfully pleasant experience – to conclude?

முன்னில் ஒரு காற்றின் களி முகத்தினில்,
பின்னில் சிறு பச்சை கிளி முதுகினில்,
வாழ்வில் ஒரு பயணம் இது முடிந்திட விடுவேனோ?

This bike ride! This magical moment, where you can’t get enough of each other. It’s like… your world is on fire for this person. As towns pass by… as you let the experience sink in, you realize you are intoxicated by the whole atmosphere. Everything seems intensified. Your heart pounds. You catch yourself involuntarily sighing in glee. You can’t stop staring at the skies, as the stars seem to follow you. The heavens come at your reach. The chemistry is readily palpable. And you want to stay drenched in this uncharted territory.

This state of indecisive bliss, where you float in the intimacy, at times craving for some sort of acceptance, and at times fearing it… what to make of this exhilaration?

வெயில் மழை வெட்கும் படி நனைவதை
விண்மீன்களும் வீம்பாய் எனை தொடர்வதை
ஊருக்கு ஒரு காற்றின் மனம் கமழ்வதை
மறவேனே!

That person’s closeness in the bike… it sure feels like a fuzzy blanket on a chill day. Your heart skips a beat as your shoulders touch, more emphatically this time. And that moment, it hits you. You had found the missing piece in your life puzzle, something you didn’t know was even missing.

And with the increasing closeness, the silence starts evaporating. You start opening up. You talk about your worst fears, your favourite things, what you love, what your hate… literally everything. Except the love you feel for the other. Are you subconsciously waiting for the other to confide?

It feels different. Never before, had something affected you at such a complicated level. It is both perfect and imperfect, unpredictable yet soothing. You might never experience such magic again. But for now, you lean back and let the moment soak.

முன்னும் இது போலே புது அனுபவம் கண்டேன்
என சொல்லும் படி நினைவில்லை..
இன்னும் எதிர்காலத்திலும் வழி இல்லை..
மறவேனே!

And despite all the elation, the ‘ride’ is scary as most of it is well beyond your control. When all the heightened spirits, the butterflies, the nerves, the apprehension and the doubts come together, you get this temptation to give some form to your thoughts. It hits you when you least expect it, knocking the air out of your lungs. Your heart wants what it wants. But it can’t make up its mind to voice it out. It’s caught in an electrifying game of ego, hesitation and fear. But pause a moment.

Why rush for confirmation, when it’s written all over… in every passing moment? Why do you so badly want this unique phase between mutual attraction and ‘love’ to end? Why do you crave for verbal testimony, when it is being unleashed at you in all possible forms? Think again. Do you really need a formal proposal? How addictive is it to keep floating in this unresolved state of sweet distress and rousing intimacy! Do you really want to put an end to it by stating the obvious? The decision is yours.

After all, there is a reason it’s called ‘falling in love’. You don’t ask before you fall. You don’t force yourself either. You just fall. And pray that the other catches you. Sometime.